Billy Madison: [grabs 3rd grader's face and whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
Why did I Graduate? Graduation is like marching through a new door, you're filled with curiosity, dreams of grandeur, the professors promised you could change the world. Anything could be on the other side of that door! Just imagine! Up to this point, each time you moved forward something improved. You've been learning and finding new and fantastic things all along the way, from riding bikes to driving, from making out to sex, from mountain dew to beer, from cliques to true friends, from cooties to girlfriends to lovers, from birthday sleep overs to bars, everything gets better! What's next!? Your mind is reeling in anticipation, you look great in the gown, who cares! I want to take the leap, can we speed this line up?!
Big Mistake!
What happened... I'm back in... High-school... back to cliques and gossip, back to desks you never leave, where you left parents you've picked up managers, you went from total freedom to total tyranny. People no longer like you because you're a good person, they only like you if you can get them somewhere. Total honesty dissolved into a batch of lies that HR has kindly labeled into some mindless dribble of a motto, "perception is reality". Grandiose ideas are things you will now be stepped on for having and the beauty of individuality is replaced with a constant drive for conformity. Happiness has been replaced by the need for a regular paycheck.
Why did they lie? Why would the professors push us out to... to this?!
2 years ago even my rainy days were so beautiful...
sleeping in, breakfast, flipping through channels, deciding to skip class (call it a rain day), reading for a few hours, maybe a nap, head to the gym, dinner, more tv, then off to the bar
Friday, September 22, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
The Corporate Stooge Game
Definition of Stooge: A person of unquestioning obedience.
* These actions listed below are of a Stooge nature and are deserved of a Stooge point. The idea behind the Stooge point is to call out actions deemed Stooge-worthy, thus mock-able offenses. Points will be accumulated per month and tallied. The sorry bastard with the most points will be responsible for a night of heavy alcohol consumption and a possible recipient of shameful acts.
* These actions listed below are of a Stooge nature and are deserved of a Stooge point. The idea behind the Stooge point is to call out actions deemed Stooge-worthy, thus mock-able offenses. Points will be accumulated per month and tallied. The sorry bastard with the most points will be responsible for a night of heavy alcohol consumption and a possible recipient of shameful acts.
1. If a person arrives at work prior to 7:00 a.m., 1 point will be awarded.
2. If a person leaves work after 6:00 p.m., 1 point will be awarded.
3. If a person stays later than 5:00 p.m. on a Friday, 1 point will be awarded.
4. If a person comes into work on either Saturday or Sunday, 1 point will be awarded.
5. If one is caught during an All-Staff enthusiastically clapping, 1 point will be awarded.
6. If one is over heard uttering the phrase “help me understand”, 1 point will be awarded.
7. If one is caught having lunch at their desk, 2 points will be awarded.
8. If one has more than 4 coffees (promotion whoring) in 1 month, 2 points will be awarded.
9. If one is caught sending out helpful hints, key learning, best practices, or other informative emails to co-workers, 2 points will be awarded.
10. If a person has less than 5 emails in their inbox, 2 points will be awarded.
11. If a person receives a promotion (warranted or not), 5 points will be awarded.
2. If a person leaves work after 6:00 p.m., 1 point will be awarded.
3. If a person stays later than 5:00 p.m. on a Friday, 1 point will be awarded.
4. If a person comes into work on either Saturday or Sunday, 1 point will be awarded.
5. If one is caught during an All-Staff enthusiastically clapping, 1 point will be awarded.
6. If one is over heard uttering the phrase “help me understand”, 1 point will be awarded.
7. If one is caught having lunch at their desk, 2 points will be awarded.
8. If one has more than 4 coffees (promotion whoring) in 1 month, 2 points will be awarded.
9. If one is caught sending out helpful hints, key learning, best practices, or other informative emails to co-workers, 2 points will be awarded.
10. If a person has less than 5 emails in their inbox, 2 points will be awarded.
11. If a person receives a promotion (warranted or not), 5 points will be awarded.
Currently there are 11 point worthy offenses but don’t worry others will arise
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Introducing the Explorers.. The Bottom 10%
We are the Idealists! We are the Visionaries... We Dream in Colors You've Never seen...
We Created and Built the Worlds Greatest Companies. When we Lead, Nothing is Impossible.
Except for Explorers to be on the top they have to build their empire from the ground up. The other types will never let us through their ranks, they’re scared of our potential and they’re scared of great ideas, like Gizmo was scared of bright lights. They call us not by our true title but have given us their own, bestowed by those in corporate America who fear us, ‘The Bottom Ten Percent’.
Steve Jobs is an Explorer. Steve Jobs is a Ten %er.
Steve built his company from a lowly arcade vendor to a multinational electronics empire. And his creation is wondrous! Don’t get me wrong one day he’ll leave again and they’ll install another boring process improving leader who will steer the company toward the corporate equivalent of an iceberg. The leak will start ever so slowly, no one will notice but the company will rot from the inside. Sure you’ll have a few Explorers trying desperately to bail the water out, but everyone on the upper deck will be too self obsessed and self important to even notice something is wrong they’ll just continue their ass kissing while they hang on to each others coattails. They will all be holding the coattails of the one in front of them spinning round and round in circles like some sick form of Greek dance. Round and round they’ll go. Until the Explorers, deep in the bowels of the ship, finally snap and taking the first life boats row off in search of a new start.
But for now… while Steve is at the helm, the ship is beautiful, the engine powerful, and the places to go are as endless as the bits of light flickering across the water shone from the orange sun teetering on the edge of the horizon.
We Created and Built the Worlds Greatest Companies. When we Lead, Nothing is Impossible.
Except for Explorers to be on the top they have to build their empire from the ground up. The other types will never let us through their ranks, they’re scared of our potential and they’re scared of great ideas, like Gizmo was scared of bright lights. They call us not by our true title but have given us their own, bestowed by those in corporate America who fear us, ‘The Bottom Ten Percent’.
Steve Jobs is an Explorer. Steve Jobs is a Ten %er.
Steve built his company from a lowly arcade vendor to a multinational electronics empire. And his creation is wondrous! Don’t get me wrong one day he’ll leave again and they’ll install another boring process improving leader who will steer the company toward the corporate equivalent of an iceberg. The leak will start ever so slowly, no one will notice but the company will rot from the inside. Sure you’ll have a few Explorers trying desperately to bail the water out, but everyone on the upper deck will be too self obsessed and self important to even notice something is wrong they’ll just continue their ass kissing while they hang on to each others coattails. They will all be holding the coattails of the one in front of them spinning round and round in circles like some sick form of Greek dance. Round and round they’ll go. Until the Explorers, deep in the bowels of the ship, finally snap and taking the first life boats row off in search of a new start.
But for now… while Steve is at the helm, the ship is beautiful, the engine powerful, and the places to go are as endless as the bits of light flickering across the water shone from the orange sun teetering on the edge of the horizon.
Warning: Somewhere deep inside of you...
A Little Piece of your Soul Just Died... A Little Piece of your Individuality Just Washed Away... But it's cool you have a Regular Paycheck Right?!
So Question is... How Come Your Soul is so Affordable?
Corporate America had to pay Tom Anderson 580 Million Dollars for His Soul, for HIS MySpace... Tom, you were my friend... why did you have to sell out? Why did you have to give up on us for a few dollars?! Why did you have to give it to them!? It was yours... It was you... And it was Beautiful! Were you still so afraid of being in poverty again?
Nevermind... I know the Answer... Yes, It's Terrifying, That's Why We Did It.
Yet the Truth is that no matter how scared we are of The Cogs, The Other 90%. They are Far More Threatened by Us. They Need to Limit Us, to Hold Us in Check, They Know if We Ever Find a Way to Get Free, To Escape. There is No Limit to What We are Capable of Creating. And When we Build A Better Empire Elsewhere, their Disgusting Facade, they call a Corporation will Begin to Crack.
Beware...
So Question is... How Come Your Soul is so Affordable?
Corporate America had to pay Tom Anderson 580 Million Dollars for His Soul, for HIS MySpace... Tom, you were my friend... why did you have to sell out? Why did you have to give up on us for a few dollars?! Why did you have to give it to them!? It was yours... It was you... And it was Beautiful! Were you still so afraid of being in poverty again?Nevermind... I know the Answer... Yes, It's Terrifying, That's Why We Did It.
Yet the Truth is that no matter how scared we are of The Cogs, The Other 90%. They are Far More Threatened by Us. They Need to Limit Us, to Hold Us in Check, They Know if We Ever Find a Way to Get Free, To Escape. There is No Limit to What We are Capable of Creating. And When we Build A Better Empire Elsewhere, their Disgusting Facade, they call a Corporation will Begin to Crack.
Beware...
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
One year later...
From an actual work email sent from San to Darian & Sydney.
A whole year has now gone by since we first entered into the hollowed institution known as Corporate America.
At the time we were so young and arrived with so much life and idealism. We came with the thoughts of making a difference, aiding in the expansion of a vast empire, honing our skills in the world of business, and taking our first steps onto a path which would lead to wealth and privilege.
Each of us came from separate backgrounds, but arrived at the doorstep of the Fortune 500. It was the end all and be all of accomplishments; a salary comparable to the medium income of a 4 person family living in the United States, instant praise from friend and family alike, and an air of arrogance with every strut. Once inside the halls of Corporate America we smiled and enthusiastically greeted all as if trying to convince a jury of guilt or innocence. We constantly fretted over our image and perception. Fought over the validity of conversations had with upper-management. Jockeyed for assignments in an effort to prove one’s self worth in front of middle management. Scheduled meetings with those we deemed important in the our placement selection process, even though we were promised office politics was not a company trait
If it came down to it we would have to throw each other in front of a bus in an effort to advance…
This is our life. This is what happiness looks likes
One Year Later…
Stuck.
A whole year has now gone by since we first entered into the hollowed institution known as Corporate America.
At the time we were so young and arrived with so much life and idealism. We came with the thoughts of making a difference, aiding in the expansion of a vast empire, honing our skills in the world of business, and taking our first steps onto a path which would lead to wealth and privilege.
Each of us came from separate backgrounds, but arrived at the doorstep of the Fortune 500. It was the end all and be all of accomplishments; a salary comparable to the medium income of a 4 person family living in the United States, instant praise from friend and family alike, and an air of arrogance with every strut. Once inside the halls of Corporate America we smiled and enthusiastically greeted all as if trying to convince a jury of guilt or innocence. We constantly fretted over our image and perception. Fought over the validity of conversations had with upper-management. Jockeyed for assignments in an effort to prove one’s self worth in front of middle management. Scheduled meetings with those we deemed important in the our placement selection process, even though we were promised office politics was not a company trait
If it came down to it we would have to throw each other in front of a bus in an effort to advance…
This is our life. This is what happiness looks likes
One Year Later…
Stuck.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Random Thought Provoked
Andrea Peyser is really homely, but makes herself feel better by attacking the looks of a female obviously more attractive than herself. Very Darwinian. Attack your competition and convince the boys that despite your akward appearance and poor genetic structure, you are somehow more deserving of everyone's attention.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Where Good Ideas go to Die
This is why companies grow best when Idea men are in charge! They hand out beautiful ideas and leave it up to the naysayer to execute.
Bad Idea?! All of Walt’s Accountants said those words.
Bad Idea? Someone at Apple said those words. Then Steve came back. Oh, but integrating I-tunes download stations into our stores is a bad idea right?! Because Cd’s are selling so well!
So what happens when everyone agrees?!
Great Idea! Someone at GM … agreeing to continue to PAY worthless slobs they already fired to sit in a white room in Flint and do NOTHING!
And well we’re at it… the world is still FLAT.
And the Sun revolves around it! The Inquisition Definitely was right in EXECUTING Galileo, way to go Christianity! Because the Pope has GOD’s word and GOD is infallible!
And Man will never FLY!
Bad Idea?! All of Walt’s Accountants said those words.
Bad Idea? Someone at Apple said those words. Then Steve came back. Oh, but integrating I-tunes download stations into our stores is a bad idea right?! Because Cd’s are selling so well!
So what happens when everyone agrees?!
Great Idea! Someone at GM … agreeing to continue to PAY worthless slobs they already fired to sit in a white room in Flint and do NOTHING!
And well we’re at it… the world is still FLAT.
And the Sun revolves around it! The Inquisition Definitely was right in EXECUTING Galileo, way to go Christianity! Because the Pope has GOD’s word and GOD is infallible!
And Man will never FLY!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Is this my life?
I have been standing in the same place for the last 8 months of my life…
Monday through Friday of any given week I feel as though I live the same day over and over. Nothing ever seems to change.
I wake at 5:55 a.m. to the sound of a blaring alarm clock, which sits on a bookcase next to my bed. Each morning in an effort to cease this most annoying of sounds I leap from my bed, which has no frame, to the snooze button. Once out of the shock from being awoken from a life I only wish I had, I head to the shower.
I am generally in the shower from 6:00 a.m. to 6:10 a.m. I then brush my teeth and apply personal hygiene products. I get back to my bedroom by 6:12 a.m. to drape myself in a suit and tie. I stopped bothering to iron my shirts or ties. I let them judge me. But I do take pride in the attire I have accumulated these past 8 months.
Once dressed I am ready for breakfast. I lie; I don’t have time for breakfast before I have to hurriedly leave my apartment to catch the bus. Two blocks down from the apartment which I share with a friend from High School, the bus arrives promptly at 6:32 a.m. I arrive at the bus stop 5 minutes before the bus pulls up. With those precious 5 minutes I am able to read the front page of the Wall Street Journal.
Often I am met at the bus stop by a woman who rides all of 8 blocks each morning. This woman pays $2.50 in the morning and $2.50 in the evening for a 16 block roundtrip. I have a company sponsored metro-transit pass, which comes out of my salary at a reduced rate. Most days she sports a Grateful Dead concert t-shirt and feverously inhales Turkish Golds prior to embarking. Her smoke consumes the bus stop and soils my suits.
When the bus arrives I am officially off. I sit in the front row next to a woman who appears to have Downs Syndrome. I know for a fact that this must be a cruel joke life has played on her because she is a receptionist at the downtown campus of a local law school; she also knows how to operate a cell phone. To drown out the sound of the others passengers and the extremely talkative drive I listen to my ipod. As I let the music consume my thoughts I skim through the major stories of the day.
The bus ride takes all of 12 minutes. I disembark several blocks from where I work. In between leaving the warm confines of the bus and the turnstiles I pass to enter the company campus I have 5 minutes left to myself.
As the minutes wane away I make it to the revolving door and enter a large atrium. I am met by scores of others who have found their way to the same destination. I pass through security and grab a cup of water for my ride up the elevator. Once on the 6th floor of Southern tower of ___________ Corporation I pass through yet another set up security check points. It is 6:55 a.m. by the time I reach my desk. Bring it on!
For the next 10 to 12 hours I stare into a flickering computer monitor and produce.
I am a Business Analyst. When posed with the question “what do you do?” I say “I analyze business”. I am clever. But what do I really do?
The first part of my day belongs to answering emails which have been received since leaving my command post 12 hours previously. I must continually check my Outlook account so as to not allow it to crash under the weight and volume of corporate correspondence. In between writing and responding to various emails I dash from one meeting to the next. Often you can find me starring blankly out the window as a collogue tries to justify the need for more meetings. Once free from the morning meetings I head back to my grey cubicle to prepare for statuses regarding my public perception.
At __________ Corporate the motto is “Perception is Reality”. If only they had read Blink (a great work about the follies of impression and perception). What the motto entails the employees to do is to outwardly express happiness and glee. If not, the assumption is made you are under producing, thus qualifying yourself a ticket out. Once I make it through two or three statuses I find it time to head to lunch. Many days I find it necessary to take lunch at my desk, as a way to show I am dedicated to the job I am tasked with. I am not alone. If I do decide to leave the confines of my cube I roam the skyways in search of the perfect submarine sandwich.
Following lunch I block out time to perform my actual job. Most often during this period of time I flip through various websites or constantly read and re-read the DrudgeReport. I also converse with fellow cohorts through inter-office Instant Messenger. What has allowed me this freedom? I have become a master of delegation. I know who to pass along my responsibilities to in an effort to free up my own time. After several hours of passing one set of tasks across the company and receiving the completed work of another set of tasks I send out emails to middle management showing them the fruits of my labor.
As 6:00 p.m. rolls around I pack up my belongings for the day and head out. I generally leave without anyone knowing.I find it annoying telling people to have a great night when I know they won’t. I head back through each security check point and stroll off to the bus stop. This time at the bus stop I am met with a various crowd of people: The homeless with their OCD – the young black men shouting at the top of their lungs in the back of the bus (I don’t think they got the memo about the seating arrangements) – the teenage mothers with their gaggle of children – the obese women who insist sitting in chairs not federally approved to hold their weight - and other young professionals whose heads face the ground as they sit silent in their seats. I finally arrive back at my apartment by 6:33 p.m. Rinse, wash, repeat…
- I actively pursued the career that I currently hold. I did everything in my power to land a spot on ________ Corporations roster. Once I got in I even bragged about where I worked and how much I made. For the first month on the job I told myself this is what I want and I was thankful to be here. I am 23 years old. I work 75 hours a week. I come into work on the weekends. I live inside the grey walls of a cubicle.
Is this my life?
Monday through Friday of any given week I feel as though I live the same day over and over. Nothing ever seems to change.
I wake at 5:55 a.m. to the sound of a blaring alarm clock, which sits on a bookcase next to my bed. Each morning in an effort to cease this most annoying of sounds I leap from my bed, which has no frame, to the snooze button. Once out of the shock from being awoken from a life I only wish I had, I head to the shower.
I am generally in the shower from 6:00 a.m. to 6:10 a.m. I then brush my teeth and apply personal hygiene products. I get back to my bedroom by 6:12 a.m. to drape myself in a suit and tie. I stopped bothering to iron my shirts or ties. I let them judge me. But I do take pride in the attire I have accumulated these past 8 months.
Once dressed I am ready for breakfast. I lie; I don’t have time for breakfast before I have to hurriedly leave my apartment to catch the bus. Two blocks down from the apartment which I share with a friend from High School, the bus arrives promptly at 6:32 a.m. I arrive at the bus stop 5 minutes before the bus pulls up. With those precious 5 minutes I am able to read the front page of the Wall Street Journal.
Often I am met at the bus stop by a woman who rides all of 8 blocks each morning. This woman pays $2.50 in the morning and $2.50 in the evening for a 16 block roundtrip. I have a company sponsored metro-transit pass, which comes out of my salary at a reduced rate. Most days she sports a Grateful Dead concert t-shirt and feverously inhales Turkish Golds prior to embarking. Her smoke consumes the bus stop and soils my suits.
When the bus arrives I am officially off. I sit in the front row next to a woman who appears to have Downs Syndrome. I know for a fact that this must be a cruel joke life has played on her because she is a receptionist at the downtown campus of a local law school; she also knows how to operate a cell phone. To drown out the sound of the others passengers and the extremely talkative drive I listen to my ipod. As I let the music consume my thoughts I skim through the major stories of the day.
The bus ride takes all of 12 minutes. I disembark several blocks from where I work. In between leaving the warm confines of the bus and the turnstiles I pass to enter the company campus I have 5 minutes left to myself.
As the minutes wane away I make it to the revolving door and enter a large atrium. I am met by scores of others who have found their way to the same destination. I pass through security and grab a cup of water for my ride up the elevator. Once on the 6th floor of Southern tower of ___________ Corporation I pass through yet another set up security check points. It is 6:55 a.m. by the time I reach my desk. Bring it on!
For the next 10 to 12 hours I stare into a flickering computer monitor and produce.
I am a Business Analyst. When posed with the question “what do you do?” I say “I analyze business”. I am clever. But what do I really do?
The first part of my day belongs to answering emails which have been received since leaving my command post 12 hours previously. I must continually check my Outlook account so as to not allow it to crash under the weight and volume of corporate correspondence. In between writing and responding to various emails I dash from one meeting to the next. Often you can find me starring blankly out the window as a collogue tries to justify the need for more meetings. Once free from the morning meetings I head back to my grey cubicle to prepare for statuses regarding my public perception.
At __________ Corporate the motto is “Perception is Reality”. If only they had read Blink (a great work about the follies of impression and perception). What the motto entails the employees to do is to outwardly express happiness and glee. If not, the assumption is made you are under producing, thus qualifying yourself a ticket out. Once I make it through two or three statuses I find it time to head to lunch. Many days I find it necessary to take lunch at my desk, as a way to show I am dedicated to the job I am tasked with. I am not alone. If I do decide to leave the confines of my cube I roam the skyways in search of the perfect submarine sandwich.
Following lunch I block out time to perform my actual job. Most often during this period of time I flip through various websites or constantly read and re-read the DrudgeReport. I also converse with fellow cohorts through inter-office Instant Messenger. What has allowed me this freedom? I have become a master of delegation. I know who to pass along my responsibilities to in an effort to free up my own time. After several hours of passing one set of tasks across the company and receiving the completed work of another set of tasks I send out emails to middle management showing them the fruits of my labor.
As 6:00 p.m. rolls around I pack up my belongings for the day and head out. I generally leave without anyone knowing.I find it annoying telling people to have a great night when I know they won’t. I head back through each security check point and stroll off to the bus stop. This time at the bus stop I am met with a various crowd of people: The homeless with their OCD – the young black men shouting at the top of their lungs in the back of the bus (I don’t think they got the memo about the seating arrangements) – the teenage mothers with their gaggle of children – the obese women who insist sitting in chairs not federally approved to hold their weight - and other young professionals whose heads face the ground as they sit silent in their seats. I finally arrive back at my apartment by 6:33 p.m. Rinse, wash, repeat…
- I actively pursued the career that I currently hold. I did everything in my power to land a spot on ________ Corporations roster. Once I got in I even bragged about where I worked and how much I made. For the first month on the job I told myself this is what I want and I was thankful to be here. I am 23 years old. I work 75 hours a week. I come into work on the weekends. I live inside the grey walls of a cubicle.
Is this my life?
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